Loss of Expression


I have gained a lot and lost a lot in my growth, such as my desire to express myself. When I was young, I often received praise from my Chinese teacher for my compositions, but I suspect that it was only because I mastered the embedding of composition materials and the flexible use of parallel sentences. Raymond Aron talked about his preparation for the teacher qualification exam in his memoir, "...However, when I really got first place in the formal exam, I realized clearly and sadly that my success was only a little achievement in my studies, and there was nothing unique about my writing or speaking."

In the compositions I wrote as a student, there is one that I can still remember clearly. I don't remember the title of the composition, but I remember expressing my thoughts freely in the text, roughly saying, "I never regret what I do, never regret, because the decisions I make are always the best choices I can make based on my experience and judgment at that moment. Even if time goes back to that moment, I still cannot use the rearview mirror perspective to surpass myself at that time and make a better decision." It still seems to be the case now.

Another composition that I can remember is an award-winning one titled "Taxation, it's easy to say I love you." The theme of the composition was about students' thoughts on taxation. I wrote a draft as much as possible, but in order to increase the chances of winning, my mom, who was also in the same high school, helped me find a Chinese teacher with good writing skills to revise my composition. The Chinese teacher, as my mom's colleague, did his best to revise the composition, and the revised composition was completely different. I remember that the original title was "Taxation, it's not easy to say I love you" (I can't remember if I came up with it myself or if the teacher did), and it was changed to "it's easy". It's hard to say that I had any profound insights into taxation in high school, but that composition won an award, with a prize of about two or three hundred yuan, but I actually received an orange desk lamp, which is still at my grandma's house in Inner Mongolia.


During my college years, I was most curious about how the world operates, which is so complex for me who grew up simply in Inner Mongolia. During my student years, I never set grand goals, such as becoming a lawyer or architect, publishing or performing. After I started working, my resume became too rich and diverse, with various jumps in civil aviation, finance, university education, and auction houses, among others. Just in the field of finance, I also jumped between securities and public funds, between the securities business department, e-commerce department, and bank institution department. In short, I don't have a predetermined or expected career path, and I secretly feel that the concept of a career path is a false proposition. Enter a field and then go from junior slave to intermediate slave, slave director, it doesn't seem very appealing.

Raymond Aron also said, "When I was in philosophy class, I already understood a truth, that is, if you master the weapon of thinking, you can free yourself from passivity in life, enrich and enrich your life, and discuss and learn from great thinkers." My "background" has always been observing and thinking about the way the world operates. It seems like various jumps and adventures, which may require more explanation to HR, but for myself, it has indeed enriched my perspective on problem-solving. Until this year, I gradually realized that the various points in life and the various aspects of the world I saw before have gradually become three-dimensional. Compared to myself ten years ago, I gradually realized that what I see is not just mountains and water.

Because of the increasing insights I have gained from observing and contemplating the world, my desire to express myself has gradually diminished. I always feel that what I can talk about is too shallow and some conclusions are too arbitrary. In addition, I often write in my diary, but if I write a blog, I inevitably have an imaginary reader. It's like lying around at home in daily life, occasionally being messy, but when guests come, I inevitably tidy up and show a beautiful scene. Once I start expressing myself publicly, it's inevitable that I will be pretentious. I don't like myself revealing any vanity or arrogance. (At this moment, my arrogance lies in claiming that I am a person who doesn't like to boast about myself and is not arrogant.) (At the previous moment, my arrogance lies in the fact that although I am arrogant, I don't take pride in boasting about myself.)

With all these factors, my desire to express myself has gradually faded. Today, when I opened this page and looked at it, I realized that I haven't published anything for more than half a year. But life has also taught me that this world is not only objective, but also subjective. If you are simple, your world is simple. If you are complex, your world is complex. Therefore, I remind myself not to be afraid of subjectivity, not to be afraid of being biased, and gradually regain a little desire to express myself, to speak my own words, just like creating my own happiness in life.

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